More before we go....

Bill has begun moving boxes of stuff to his car, and I notice that despite the real grief I feel over "losing" New York, I'm beginning to think like an outsider. I find that I still love walking across the 59th Street Bridge on my way to work, but while on the span the noises and soot are troublesome, and I get angry about the rudeness of bikers who don't stay in their lane, and the whole thing looks dirty to me lately. I am easily annoyed by the crowds as I negotiate the crosswalks, and am less enthusiastic about being in the Grand Central area in general, even though this has been, at least for the last several years, my favorite part of the City. Tonight I'm going toLincoln Center to hear Prokofiev, and I'm not sure that I won't feel like my old habit of walking there from my office won't feel just plain old and tiresome, instead of familiar and comfortable. In any event, this concert season (some of which I'll attend with friends, because Bill's going to be in Delray), is part of my "goodby to New York" process, so I don't want to miss it. On the 25th, the day before my departure, Beth and I will be hearing a Beethoven program. I truly enjoy attending these concerts with friends - many of my friends like and appreciate classical music even more than Bill does - but still, Lincoln Center has been a common pleasure for Bill and me since the early days of our relationship. Fortunately, most of my subscription runs from January, so he will be here to share it with me.

I am still comfortable about leaving Ben and Leah up North. Bill's begun speaking a little about his relationship with Caitlin, and how little he sees her even now. He's always distant and analytical when he speaks about family - you wouldn't think he has any feelings at all if you took him at face value - and I think he regrets how things have gone between the two of them, and that those regrets are more poignant now that he contemplates going so far away from her.

preparing for the commute

We've packed everything that's excess here in New York, for storage, and everything that's basic for while we or my mother stay in Florida. Bill's taking it down October 23 by car - I've seen his magic balancing act, boxes stacked on the roof of the car, as we rehearsed the feel of driving that wayj. He'll also remove the back seat of the car, and stuff boxes in there and in the trunk, and he got a bike rack to which he'll mount and chain our bikes. All this moving before we actually move will save us money when we have to hire a mover later on, and anyway, we have to leave our furniture and winter clothes, because I'll continue working all winter while we try to sell the New York apartment.
I know I need to at least try to network and make friends before I make the big move. I'm flying down on the 26th, the first commuter flight - I'm returning to NYC every Thursday morning on the 6am flight and taking the express bus into the city to the office, and every Thursday night, I'll head back to Florida. This routine only lasts through the beginning of December, when Bill and I fly back to NY together. Then mom goes to Florida to stay till the end of March. By then, hopefully, the apartment here will be sold and we'll move down south. I gotta tell you. I don't have such a great feeling about this. I really hope that the time I'm spending with Bill during my commute (basically all of November) results in some satisfying social connections because decorating will only occupy me for a limited time....
I'm not sure why this feels so difficult for me. Drew's already across the country, and it will be awfully hard having a close relationship with him and with Kai regardless of where I live. I only see Ben about every month even though he's not far from me, but it feels okay to see him a little less and call/e-mail a little more instead - I guess I just like him and don't have too many issues about spending time with him, at least not right now. Leah and I have always been close, and talk at least once a week. I like Colin, and he seems finally to be reasonably comfortable around me. They live less than 3 hours from here, and she's pregnant - In this case, I will be sacrificing time that I could spend with her, and developing a relationship with her child-to-be. But I recognize that it's pretty ordinary for people to retire and move away - I just wish I could be more at ease, let go of what's gone before, try to maintain contact with old friends, and so on. Right now, it feels so painful.

Cruising and Continuing the Transformation to a Floridian

So we continue our NYC tourism in preparation for the change - We recently went to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, for me a first since childhood. I have memories of walking around with my older brother, George, and my parents walking behind me. I recalled the Japanese garden especially, and it's still there, of course-much less exotic than in my recollections. A beautiful place still. The trip afforded an opportunity I have made from time to time in recent years - a pilgrimage past the house of my early childhood on Lincoln Place at Utica Avenue, where I lived from the age of 5 until I finished 5th grade, when I moved to Laurelton, in Queens.

We cruised from 10/3 until today from New York to San Juan, St. Thomas and Tortola, returning this morning. Out and back, in New York Harbor, it's hard for me to imagine my immigrant forebears on deck as they passed the statue of Liberty. To this day, I feel my heart swell every time I see her, amazed like a new arrival, thrilled like a tourist, patriotic like a veteran passing the symbol of the things strived for, things we need to see, things that embody and give shape to our love of cuntry and pride of place.

I should say something about the cruise itself, since this is, after all, a travelblog. Carnival's bording procedures sucked. Its method for gathering the information it required of us as passengers was disorganized and ineffective. Its response to our complaints about the time we wasted because of the ship's demands for duplicative information and documentation from us was a total failure. The food, however, was great. Service was excellent (if a little intrusive, in the case of the cabin service). There was nonstop entertainment of all kinds, and since school was in session, there weren't many children running around, nor were there loud young adults making fools of themselves at their parents' expense. It was really quite pleasant. San Juan (we only had an afternoon) was so hot it was difficult to enjoy the lovely old city. We walked around the forts and the town center, and we were glad to get back on board early in the evening. St. Thomas was interesting. The shopping areas were difficult to navigate and annoying to be in - cabbies whistled and talked, trying to get you on board - I stopped responding, and I left as quickly as possible. The beach was stunning - I'd love to fly there again for just a few days at a resort. In between we visited the St. Thomas Synagogue - yes, that's the name, named for the Island, not the saint - thinking if we walked over and were lucky, it would be open after services. In fact, there was a service going on, which we attended most of. A family from Boca had come across for a destination bar and bat mitzvah for twins! The building itself is simple and pretty, with sand covering the marble floors and a wroght iron mogen dovid arching over the exterior stairs. The rabbi was reform/progressive, praying in Hebrew and signing with his hands (though nobody was deaf, to my knowledge), and the cantor seemed more like a folk singer than anything else. It was nice! On Tortola, Bill located a botanical garden which was charming (Carnival didn't let us know it existed - I guess because they didn't sponsor tours there).

We have a couple of concerts coming up at Lincoln Center. Then, further farewells to New York will have to wait while I prepare to begin commuting from late October to the beginning of December. The birth of my first grandchild in June, and the news that my daughter is expecting in March or April, make preparations for a final departure from New York particularly poignant - each milestone bringing me closer to an adventure I'm not sure I welcome, and at the same time dragging me a little further from my family. I know this is the way things go now - Drew and Kai are already 3,000 miles away from me. I'm pretty mobile - maybe the distance will not be too terrible a barrier, and in the meantime, I'm checking out ways to stay in touch - maybe my kids would accept a webcam as a gift, and schedule monthly chats with me. I'm looking into it.