Thursday, January 04, 2007

Left Home - the other side of the voyage is not voyaging at all

Left home and left out. It's been a long time, not that nothing has happened - my life feels like a drama - but nothing to write about, or perhaps I just lack the ability to make my experiences coherent in English. I'm motivated now by lack of Bill. He's gone to Florida to settle my mom into the apartment for the winter, as we promised her. She loves it already. He's helping her find her way around the community and get to banking and shopping by bus. He helped her get her community ID card, and got her started on her social circle by driving her around to visit people. My mother's apparently in love with him. She is planning to visit an old friend, who's dying. This is not somebody Bill or I ever met or spoke to, but she thinks it would be just fine if he came in with her on her visit. "He can chat with her husband." This is really about her own interests - she wants to show him off, and she wants him there on the spot when she's ready to leave. I have urged him not to impose the presence of stranger in the home of a dying woman. The outcome probably depends on whether there's cake in the house of the dying. I'll find out later.
So he's with mom, getting along with her as I never have. Last night he called me from the restaurant where they were having dinner (in Florida, my mother MUST eat dinner at 4:30). It seems that, halfway through a turkey wrap, my mother notice a horse and carriage go by (they were downtown, in the charming part of town) and it triggered memories in her. She told Bill about how my father took her out to a nightclub, and afterward they went for a ride in a horse-drawn carriage, and that was where he proposed to her. How come she chose to tell this story to Bill? Why did I hear it for the first time from him, instead of her, and why so late in life? So distant from my mother and my husband, I realize how intensely I miss having a meaningful mother-daughter relationship. For a lifetime, our exchanges have been angry and critical. She relaxes and opens up with Bill (as I do) as she never did with me. I am terrified that my relationship with Leah mimics my relationship with my mother. I know it leaks through, I hear myself saying to her some of the things my mother said to me; I hear hostility in her voice sometimes (much more controlled than mine) but I plug along hoping for the best. I love her so much. Could she be as angry at me as I am with my mother?
I've been sick with a terrible cold. I'm sure that if I felt better, well, I don't know what I'd do if I were better. There's no point running off to Florida, Bill will be back Friday, and after all - he only left on Tuesday! I miss, miss, miss him, and I'm so jealous of his easy relations with my mother. I should have gone with them. Of course, that would have entirely changed the nature of their shared visit. Had I gone, I would have nothing to envy. I can't wait for him to come home and make me feel normal again.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The third, the fourth....

So now I'm commuting on a regular basis (although I have only one more commute planned before returning to New York full time to sell my apartment). One of my trips was just horrible - a 9:45 from LaG to FtL, which, because of weather, didn't leave till 3:00 a.m. The worst part was that JetBlue had three different recordings on it's departure information line about the same flight number - one leaving on time, one leaving at 12:30, one leaving at 3:30. I went to the Airport at 11:15 and waited. The best part was the flights were SO delayed, that by the time mine boarded, the weather had totally cleared, and the flight was uneventful, although it didn't arrive till 6:00 a.m. on Friday morning, and I slept through the day.
I'm feeling better about the community - Bill was right, there are people our age. I don't think I can get to know them until we're there full time, of course, but it's a relief to see people in their 60's who dance and play together. If it is possible to find friends, I'll be content to grow old there, perhaps. The problems? Our maintenance increaased $50 a month, and we were assessed $50 a month for a year - covering increased insurance rates and repairs to staircases. The apartment is, after all, too small. It was a terrible (and ultimately expensive) error on my part - I won't be happy till I flip it and buy bigger. I'd be happy, I guess to buy in the community or nearby - it's the facilities that are most important to me, but this is costly and fatiguing, changing apartments AGAIN within a year or two. When we settle in, we'll fix up a little, cosmetically, and then sell and rebuy.
In the meantime, after this week, we're in New York. Mom goes down January 2 (Bill's decided to drive home next week, and fly down before my mother and get her settled).
Drew is hardly in contact with me - he sends brief emails and doesn't respond to my phone calls. Today he sent me a longer note, telling me about his and Nicole's work plans (ever-changing). He sent a link to many nice photos of him and his family. It was nice to get that. I sent him a guess-where-I-am phone message from Kravis Center on Nov. 22, with the sound of the live cast of "Jesus Christ, Superstar" included. For Christmas, I made a blanket for Kay, and since he hasn't given us clues about what they want, I'll send a family gift of a food basked of some kind.
Ben's Ben. We're having trouble thinking of a nice Christmas gift for him. I'm crazy about the guy.
Leah's pregnant. I made a little carriage blanket, and we're in the process of ordering shower gifts. For Christmas I got her maternity clothes, and I got Colin 2 books about making furniture, at Leah's suggestion.
I'm worried that all the cost of buying the Florida Place, maintaining the Queens place until it's sold, flying back and forth, may prevent us from traveling much over the next couple of years. I'm really concerned about that, because travel has been an important part of Bill's and my life together.

The third, the fourth....

So now I'm commuting on a regular basis (although I have only one more commute planned before returning to New York full time to sell my apartment). One of my trips was just horrible - a 9:45 from LaG to FtL, which, because of weather, didn't leave till 3:00 a.m. The worst part was that JetBlue had three different recordings on it's departure information line about the same flight number - one leaving on time, one leaving at 12:30, one leaving at 3:30. I went to the Airport at 11:15 and waited. The best part was the flights were SO delayed, that by the time mine boarded, the weather had totally cleared, and the flight was uneventful, although it didn't arrive till 6:00 a.m. on Friday morning, and I slept through the day.
I'm feeling better about the community - Bill was right, there are people our age. I don't think I can get to know them until we're there full time, of course, but it's a relief to see people in their 60's who dance and play together. If it is possible to find friends, I'll be content to grow old there, perhaps. The problems? Our maintenance increaased $50 a month, and we were assessed $50 a month for a year - covering increased insurance rates and repairs to staircases. The apartment is, after all, too small. It was a terrible (and ultimately expensive) error on my part - I won't be happy till I flip it and buy bigger. I'd be happy, I guess to buy in the community or nearby - it's the facilities that are most important to me, but this is costly and fatiguing, changing apartments AGAIN within a year or two. When we settle in, we'll fix up a little, cosmetically, and then sell and rebuy.
In the meantime, after this week, we're in New York. Mom goes down January 2 (Bill's decided to drive home next week, and fly down before my mother and get her settled).
Drew is hardly in contact with me - he sends brief emails and doesn't respond to my phone calls. Today he sent me a longer note, telling me about his and Nicole's work plans (ever-changing). He sent a link to many nice photos of him and his family. It was nice to get that. I sent him a guess-where-I-am phone message from Kravis Center on Nov. 22, with the sound of the live cast of "Jesus Christ, Superstar" included. For Christmas, I made a blanket for Kay, and since he hasn't given us clues about what they want, I'll send a family gift of a food basked of some kind.
Ben's Ben. We're having trouble thinking of a nice Christmas gift for him. I'm crazy about the guy.
Leah's pregnant. I made a little carriage blanket, and we're in the process of ordering shower gifts. For Christmas I got her maternity clothes, and I got Colin 2 books about making furniture, at Leah's suggestion.
I'm worried that all the cost of buying the Florida Place, maintaining the Queens place until it's sold, flying back and forth, may prevent us from traveling much over the next couple of years. I'm really concerned about that, because travel has been an important part of Bill's and my life together.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The second commute

An eventful flight, returning for the second time to Florida. Feeling a little more upbeat - On Wednesday or Thursday I called Joan (met in the library on the first trip, remember?) and told her Iwas returning, did she want to meet for lunch Monday, and she said yes! I packed some more clothes, hangers, stuff Bill wanted. Took my meds after boarding, then had two Bailey's early in the flight. Just before landing at Ft Laud, I started feeling hot and vaguely naseous. I didn't really need to, but just to "do something" about how I felt, I got up to go to the bathroom. Once inside, I knew I might faint. I concentrated on getting my clothes together, and struggled to unlock the door so I wouldn't die alone at 38,000 feet. The last thing I recalled, before I went down, was pushing down on the handle to open the bathroom door. The next thing I was aware of, I was on the floor (not sprawled, feeling really good, believe it or not, that I had all my clothes on), and three flight attendants were asking if I was okay, giving me water, offering to have paramedics waiting at the airport. It took me a while to be able to stand up. I still don't really know what happened - it's taken days for all the bruises to rise and show themselves, I must have landed like a rock and bounced, because I have a dark, painful bruise on my left hip and a large yellow one on my right calf, among others. My whole body hurt afterward.
I slept late Friday, and by Saturday felt better. We took a long bike ride on A1A between Juno and Jupiter beaches, got some other exercise along the way.
Saturday night, Donna and Gary, and Max and Harold came over. We had some wine, and went to dinner at PF Changs. Seeing friends is a very normalizing thing to do.
I spent the better part of Monday morning trying to find Joan's phone number, with Bill's help. I must have thrown it away - fortunately, I had written it down in my calendar entry for the lunch date, so I hadn't really lost it. I called at 11 a.m., having discussed lunch at 12-12:30 when we first spoke. She wanted to meet later - I think I woke her up, but I really didn't feel like indulging her if she didn't keep her appointments. She agreed to meet at 12:30, but she didn't want me to pick her up. I ended up walking to the bagel shop, and we had a nice lunch. It's a start.
Bill and I are proceeding along our original path. If it's possible to get our homestead protection this year so be it. If not, I'm planning anyway to get a Florida driver's license and other indicia of residency. Bill has insurance in New York until April 1, so he's decided that he'll get the license now, and he'll have to bite the bullet later, with the cost of registering the car and buying insurance in Florida higher than it is in New York. We're moving forward.
Now, we plan ahead. This Friday night, weather permitting, I'd like to go to Meisner Park in Boca, for browsing and people-watching. Bill wants to find a swing dance. If we can't find one this week, there's one in Hollywood in a couple of weeks (Hollywood's a haul, but not impossible for a night of dancing). In a few weeks we'll visit Aunt Rose, maybe see my cousin, Sandy. Making progress.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The first commute

Last Thursday - my first flight down, alone, to see my honey in Florida. We have spoken, literally, hour by hour since he left home the previous Monday morning, bins piled atop the car, the back seat removed and the space filled to the roof with boxes and clothes and hangers, two bikes and a stepladder anchored at the rear on a climsy and uncooperative bike rack. The Beverly Hillbilly, my Billy, on his way to the promised land. I stocked up on lowfat dinners and waited out the days, and then Thursday came. After work, I went home, and with more than three hours to go, called a car for the ten-minute ride to the airport. Checkin was a breeze - curbside luggage surrender, and the luggage guy also gave me my boarding pass. This was the only pleasant surprise. The plane left an hour late, so I ended up in the airport for four hours. I looked all over the place for a nice restaurant - money's no object when Bill's a thousand miles away - but all I could find was grease, so I had grease for dinner. I would have enjoyed a nice sandwich and the luxury of an Amstel Light, but the meal I got didn't merit anything that pleasant as an accompaniment.
Arrived at about 1:30 - it was thrilling to finally see Bill, and the late hour didn't spoil our reunion. He had pushed our two twin beds together, and we cuddled happily all night long, happy in our element, wrapped up snugly like one person, which we are not.
On Friday morning we got up slowly. I cooked a failed breakfast of eggbeater omelette with tomato, toast and jelly. The eggbeaters worked bettwer a few days later, after I had some practice. We went to the pool, the exercise room, then began the hard work.
Friday afternoon, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. We shopped. Shopped for faucets in the bathroom and kitchen. Shopped for food, shopped for odds and ends, shopped for patio furniture that will satisfy Bill and my mother. Dealt with the minor emergencies that are the stuff of homeownership, albeit very-tiny-homeownership. We laundered, cleaned, argued over temperature and humidity settings, over the opening and closing of doors and winders and those infernal vertical blinds that seem to comprise at leaast half of the entire mass of the state of Florida. Privacy, security, comfort, taste. We are not one person.
On those days, too, we encountered. Encountered management to obtain our ID cards, gate-opening clicker, community directory and information. There are two nice, fast computers for the use of residents, but instead of setting them to prevent downloads to the hard drive, they prevent dangerous data by keeping the password a secret. In order to get online, we have to ask someone in the office (during office hours) to enter the secret code to let us in. Encountered the beaurocracy at the tax office, finding out how expensive it is to become Florida homeowners, Florida auto-owners, Florida Drivers. Encountered neighbors: "What are you doing here" "You don't belong here" "Your husband, maybe he looks a few years older, but you?" Joined the library, where computers apparently operate on dialup. I get involved in a conversation there with Joan, who lives at King's Point but does not socialize there or use the facilities. She can't stand seeing people with walkers, who talk about nothing but conditions, medications, diets - She's there because she and her husband, who works, inherited the place. They have one car, she's alone all day long. Been there three years, no friends. I gave her my phone number, she gave me hers.
Sunday night I melted down. How can I live in a place where nobody's my age, nobody wants to know me, there's nobody I have anything in common with, everything's slow, hot, damp, expensive, we're treated like idiots. I need a social life, a family life - Bill doesn't. Bill loves the gym and the weather and he's found a skate club, but he's been chastened by our experiences at the tax office - we can't get a homestead exemption without fudging the application (the NY star exemption year overlaps into the next Florida real estate tax year), so we might not get the homestead exemption for 2006; it's real expensive to register your car here; auto insurance is expensive. Enthusiastic as he is about the place, when I start crying about feeling pressured and worried that I've made a terrible and expensive mistake, he is very cooperative and sympathetic - we decide not to worry about homesteading for this year. We'll sell in New York and we can stay in Florida while we plan any further moves. We'll proceed with homesteading for the following tax year (2008) and hope the market stays low so our assessment won't rise. Thepressure's off. By Monday night, I'm actually looking forward to my trip home, looking forward to walking out onto Northern Boulevard and seeing the Empire State Building in the distance. I can relax again.
We rise Tuesday morning at 3 a.m. I don't do anything in a hurry, and then it's nearly 4 a.m., and with a more-than-half-hour ride to the airport, we have to shake our tails. I have found a sweater that my Mom knitted, I'm pretty sure it was the last one she make for Drew, and one she made for Leah - the first - with a little bonnet. I pack these to take home. I'll ship them out with gifts for Christmas, for my grandchild and grandchild-to-be. I'm looking forward. I got to the airport about 4:30, and the security gate doesn't open till 5.
At Dunkin' Donuts, I get on line for a large, mixed caf-decaf with two sweet n'lows. The line isn't too long. Ahead of me in line, a dwarf is ordering his breakfast. His head and body are perfectly formed. His voice is deep and resonant. He has thick, black hair. What a handsome man he would be if only his legs were regular, I think. Then, I thank God, who has seen fit not to create me a dwarf.
Coffee in hand, I sit down to watch ESPN, the only thing broadcast in the sitting area outside security. Later, as I enter, there's some small to-do about my taking some footfungus medicine on the plane with me (I have no checked baggage) because it just looks like nailpolish, it is marked as "lacquer", and has no prescription markings on it. At last, I win the battle. On the plane, I rise to allow my my seatmate to pass. It's the dwarf, who chats about the condo he inherited, where he wants to retire, why don't immigrants learn to speak English. After a while, I open my book and read, nod off, time passes. By 9:30 a.m. I have landed, found and taken the express to Grand Central, and I am sitting at my desk, on the internet, eating breakfast. End of the first commute.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

More before we go....

Bill has begun moving boxes of stuff to his car, and I notice that despite the real grief I feel over "losing" New York, I'm beginning to think like an outsider. I find that I still love walking across the 59th Street Bridge on my way to work, but while on the span the noises and soot are troublesome, and I get angry about the rudeness of bikers who don't stay in their lane, and the whole thing looks dirty to me lately. I am easily annoyed by the crowds as I negotiate the crosswalks, and am less enthusiastic about being in the Grand Central area in general, even though this has been, at least for the last several years, my favorite part of the City. Tonight I'm going toLincoln Center to hear Prokofiev, and I'm not sure that I won't feel like my old habit of walking there from my office won't feel just plain old and tiresome, instead of familiar and comfortable. In any event, this concert season (some of which I'll attend with friends, because Bill's going to be in Delray), is part of my "goodby to New York" process, so I don't want to miss it. On the 25th, the day before my departure, Beth and I will be hearing a Beethoven program. I truly enjoy attending these concerts with friends - many of my friends like and appreciate classical music even more than Bill does - but still, Lincoln Center has been a common pleasure for Bill and me since the early days of our relationship. Fortunately, most of my subscription runs from January, so he will be here to share it with me.

I am still comfortable about leaving Ben and Leah up North. Bill's begun speaking a little about his relationship with Caitlin, and how little he sees her even now. He's always distant and analytical when he speaks about family - you wouldn't think he has any feelings at all if you took him at face value - and I think he regrets how things have gone between the two of them, and that those regrets are more poignant now that he contemplates going so far away from her.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

preparing for the commute

We've packed everything that's excess here in New York, for storage, and everything that's basic for while we or my mother stay in Florida. Bill's taking it down October 23 by car - I've seen his magic balancing act, boxes stacked on the roof of the car, as we rehearsed the feel of driving that wayj. He'll also remove the back seat of the car, and stuff boxes in there and in the trunk, and he got a bike rack to which he'll mount and chain our bikes. All this moving before we actually move will save us money when we have to hire a mover later on, and anyway, we have to leave our furniture and winter clothes, because I'll continue working all winter while we try to sell the New York apartment.
I know I need to at least try to network and make friends before I make the big move. I'm flying down on the 26th, the first commuter flight - I'm returning to NYC every Thursday morning on the 6am flight and taking the express bus into the city to the office, and every Thursday night, I'll head back to Florida. This routine only lasts through the beginning of December, when Bill and I fly back to NY together. Then mom goes to Florida to stay till the end of March. By then, hopefully, the apartment here will be sold and we'll move down south. I gotta tell you. I don't have such a great feeling about this. I really hope that the time I'm spending with Bill during my commute (basically all of November) results in some satisfying social connections because decorating will only occupy me for a limited time....
I'm not sure why this feels so difficult for me. Drew's already across the country, and it will be awfully hard having a close relationship with him and with Kai regardless of where I live. I only see Ben about every month even though he's not far from me, but it feels okay to see him a little less and call/e-mail a little more instead - I guess I just like him and don't have too many issues about spending time with him, at least not right now. Leah and I have always been close, and talk at least once a week. I like Colin, and he seems finally to be reasonably comfortable around me. They live less than 3 hours from here, and she's pregnant - In this case, I will be sacrificing time that I could spend with her, and developing a relationship with her child-to-be. But I recognize that it's pretty ordinary for people to retire and move away - I just wish I could be more at ease, let go of what's gone before, try to maintain contact with old friends, and so on. Right now, it feels so painful.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Cruising and Continuing the Transformation to a Floridian

So we continue our NYC tourism in preparation for the change - We recently went to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, for me a first since childhood. I have memories of walking around with my older brother, George, and my parents walking behind me. I recalled the Japanese garden especially, and it's still there, of course-much less exotic than in my recollections. A beautiful place still. The trip afforded an opportunity I have made from time to time in recent years - a pilgrimage past the house of my early childhood on Lincoln Place at Utica Avenue, where I lived from the age of 5 until I finished 5th grade, when I moved to Laurelton, in Queens.

We cruised from 10/3 until today from New York to San Juan, St. Thomas and Tortola, returning this morning. Out and back, in New York Harbor, it's hard for me to imagine my immigrant forebears on deck as they passed the statue of Liberty. To this day, I feel my heart swell every time I see her, amazed like a new arrival, thrilled like a tourist, patriotic like a veteran passing the symbol of the things strived for, things we need to see, things that embody and give shape to our love of cuntry and pride of place.

I should say something about the cruise itself, since this is, after all, a travelblog. Carnival's bording procedures sucked. Its method for gathering the information it required of us as passengers was disorganized and ineffective. Its response to our complaints about the time we wasted because of the ship's demands for duplicative information and documentation from us was a total failure. The food, however, was great. Service was excellent (if a little intrusive, in the case of the cabin service). There was nonstop entertainment of all kinds, and since school was in session, there weren't many children running around, nor were there loud young adults making fools of themselves at their parents' expense. It was really quite pleasant. San Juan (we only had an afternoon) was so hot it was difficult to enjoy the lovely old city. We walked around the forts and the town center, and we were glad to get back on board early in the evening. St. Thomas was interesting. The shopping areas were difficult to navigate and annoying to be in - cabbies whistled and talked, trying to get you on board - I stopped responding, and I left as quickly as possible. The beach was stunning - I'd love to fly there again for just a few days at a resort. In between we visited the St. Thomas Synagogue - yes, that's the name, named for the Island, not the saint - thinking if we walked over and were lucky, it would be open after services. In fact, there was a service going on, which we attended most of. A family from Boca had come across for a destination bar and bat mitzvah for twins! The building itself is simple and pretty, with sand covering the marble floors and a wroght iron mogen dovid arching over the exterior stairs. The rabbi was reform/progressive, praying in Hebrew and signing with his hands (though nobody was deaf, to my knowledge), and the cantor seemed more like a folk singer than anything else. It was nice! On Tortola, Bill located a botanical garden which was charming (Carnival didn't let us know it existed - I guess because they didn't sponsor tours there).

We have a couple of concerts coming up at Lincoln Center. Then, further farewells to New York will have to wait while I prepare to begin commuting from late October to the beginning of December. The birth of my first grandchild in June, and the news that my daughter is expecting in March or April, make preparations for a final departure from New York particularly poignant - each milestone bringing me closer to an adventure I'm not sure I welcome, and at the same time dragging me a little further from my family. I know this is the way things go now - Drew and Kai are already 3,000 miles away from me. I'm pretty mobile - maybe the distance will not be too terrible a barrier, and in the meantime, I'm checking out ways to stay in touch - maybe my kids would accept a webcam as a gift, and schedule monthly chats with me. I'm looking into it.